


Oblivious

by JaneyShep1988 (NaroMoreau)



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Clueless Joker, Declarations Of Love, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Jealousy, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-17
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-24 01:54:37
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 9,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14345499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NaroMoreau/pseuds/JaneyShep1988
Summary: A re-count of 8 times where Joker was completely oblivious of Shepard's attempts to hit on him, and 1 when he wasn't. Rated Explicit for future chapters.





	1. Morning coffee

Shepard was trying. Really trying. And failing miserably.

"You have to be more aggressive!" was Kasumi saying, almost yelling at her.

Shepard sat at the thief's couch sipping a glass of wine, trying to figure out how to implement Kasumi's advice.

"C'mon Shep! You are a spectre, an N7 operative, you should be more resourceful and don't give up. He'll realize it sooner or later." 

"Argh! It's killing me. I don't know what else to do! At this point I don't know if he is just oblivious or Grunt is sexier than me," Shepard said hiding her face in her palms.

"But, didn't he show any sign of, you know, acknowledgement? I mean he realized you were there doing all those things you told me right?" Kasumi leaned forward, quirking an eyebrow and pursing her lips.

"Yeah, I mean yeah he did, but he just laughed or acted like his normal wisecracking self." Shepard let out an audible sigh. "Damn you Jeff Moreau!" She finished raising her fist to the ceiling.

/

It all had started when she had arrived to the new Normandy. After dying and having realized she had lost two years of her life, things were really put in perspective. Things had changed, people who she had thought were always going to be there, were not. She was working with Cerberus and sometimes that still sounded like an impossible reality. The only good thing had come in the form of an ornery and snarky helmsman; Joker was still there. Joker of all people.

Back in the SR-1 she had experienced a crush on him, but never acted on it. Later she got bedazzled by Kaidan and the rest was history. At a point she had come to think that her feelings for the biotic were stronger than they really were, but it all changed the day the Normandy was destroyed. That day, as she climbed the stairs and fought against debris to get Joker, the reality had hit her. He was the only one that really mattered to her. She had sworn to herself that if she survived, she’d tell him, but … yeah, she had died.

Now, two years later, she couldn't shake off the idea that she had to tell him. But it seemed so unfair. She had technically  _ died _ , so her vow should’ve been broken, but now Cerberus had brought her back. Feeling the adrenaline rush of the fear of being spaced out of a crashing ship on fire, telling him she loved him had seemed a lot easier. Easy peasy. But now, she was a coward again.

_ Maybe _ , she thought,  _ maybe I can show him instead of saying something _ .

And with that idea in mind she had started to throw hints at the pilot. Hints that seemed to have been flying way over his cap.

/

Shepard had decided that bringing him his morning cup of coffee was subtle enough, and she had put hands on deck. That morning she woke up very early to prepare everything, approaching to the cockpit feeling like a nervous school girl.

"Hey Commander! Fell of your bed huh?" Joker asked turning around in his chair to face her.

"Yeah, kinda. Here…" She leaned giving him the cup.  _ Did I blush? No, crap! _

"Mmmm," he mumbled grabbing the cup and smelling it. "You know what would go great with this? A hamburger. Not vat-grown. An honest-to-god dead cow. With horseradish."

"Maybe we could get one on the Citadel".  _ Great. He is talking about a dead cow. Way to go with the flirt Jess. _

"Awww, are you trying to bribe your favorite pilot?" he asked grinning over his cup.

"Do I have another?" she asked quirking a brow. She knew she needed to say something more interesting, and funny, but this was already harder than she’d thought.

"My, you offend me Commander. What about the replacement pilot?" he asked amused.

"That guy still around? What for? You never let him pilot anything." 

"I could never leave my baby girl in the hands of another man," he said caressing the panels.

_ Why can't he talk that way about me?! Command the conversation Commander! _

"So, how's the coffee?" she asked with a very rehearsed indifference tone.

"Great, thanks Shepard," he said sipping it. "Now, back to my girl." And with that said he spun in is chair waving at her.

Walking down the bridge, she felt completely deflated.


	2. The Black Mattock

After that Shepard knew she had to change tactics.

“You don’t destroy an YMIR the same way you kill a Krogan right?” Kasumi asked her. “It’s the same thing. You have to know what type of cover Joker has. A shield? A barrier? Find out that and you’ll succeed.”

“I’m not trying to kill him Kasumi!” She bristled with exasperation. “Yeah, I mean, that sounds logical, but I don’t need to know whether I have to use a Grenade Launcher or a Mattock on him. Argh, this is pointless!”

“So, why is so difficult for you to just tell him?” 

Shepard had stayed silent for a few seconds, before answering.

“Because I’m afraid” she muttered. “He is my best friend and if he doesn’t feel the same, I don’t want to cause this awkward situation between us. I mean, if he doesn’t even sees me as a woman, what can I expect?” she said staring sadly at the floor. 

“That’s it Shepard!” Kasumi yelled, jumping on the couch. “He had never see you in something different than standard clothes and armors right?” 

“Ehh.. no?” Shepard said narrowing her eyes, fearing the path the conversation was taking.

“Well, I don’t know him very much, but I think we can use our next mission to kill two birds with one stone,” said Kasumi, grabbing her chin.

“What are you thinking?” Shepard squinted at the thief, already fearing her idea.

“After Hock’s party you will go to the cockpit using the black dress. That will be your Mattock”.

//

She felt incredibly conscious about the looks she was receiving from the crew; she probably looked as one of Aria’s dancers, she thought.

As she approached to the cockpit, butterflies started dancing in her stomach. Would he notice her?

“Everything good in the cabin?”  _ don’t blush, don’t blush! _

“Hey, Comma…” Joker spun in his chair giving her an appreciatively look, “looking good! Tired of the hard starch undies? Though Cerberus ones are way softer. You know it took me a year to get rid of my callus?” He spluttered in a joyful tone.

_ Is he really telling me about his cal- what? _

“Don’t say,” she said dryly.

“Yeah and hell of a party huh? Killing the host tends to not be socially accepted though, just for future references Shepard.” 

“Yeah, well,” she sighed, “leave you to your things.”

Turning around she typed a message to Kasumi.

_ “The Mattock wasn’t enough.” _


	3. The Jellyfish will save the day, would it?

“Don’t get discouraged so easily Jess,” Kasumi told her when she was back in Port Observation, after she got rid of her failed outfit.

“The only thing I got was a  _ looking good _ !” Shepard said mimicking Joker’s voice, rolling her eyes, “that sounded more clinical than appreciative and a random fact about his… never mind.” She clutched her head, rubbing her forehead with her palms.

“But, nothing more? This is a tough one. What you guys need is to spend some time alone,” assessed Kasumi holding her chin.

“Time alone? We’ve been alone hundreds of times in the cockpit and nothing happened!” Shepard exploded.

“But dear, there you are still in place as his Commanding Officer. He won’t say anything to you.”

“Oh, but he would. I’ve seen him eyeing Miranda’s  _ assets _ , or checking on Tali’s swaying hips, I even caught a comment from him about Samara’s  _ bouncing boobs _ . Believe me Kasumi, he is not the respectful type.” She didn’t want to admit it but all those things made her incredibly jealous. Why Joker couldn’t look at her like that?

“What you need is invite him up to your quarters,” said Kasumi completely dismissing Shepard’s comment.

“What?! Have you lost your mind?” Shepard scoffed.

“When you stop acting like a ridiculous teenager, I’ll tell you what I have in mind,” Kasumi replied, staring serene at the Commander.

//

Jess was trying to relax and breathe while she approached to the cockpit.

_ It’s not that hard, breathe, relax, breathe, relax. _

“Hey, Joker. I assume everything is going well up here?”  _ Nice, smooth, chill Jess. _

“We were just having an argument over personalization of my workspace,” he said, turning to face EDI’s blue orb.

“Cerberus regulations are clear Mr. Moreau. ‘Personalization’ doesn’t include grease on my bridge cameras.”

“It’s just mad all its footage of me looks like a dream sequence.” He chuckled.

“It seems you have plenty of free time,” Jess said with her arms across her chest.

“Yeah, well, there's just so much porn one can tolerate in a day.”

“I hope you are not storing that in the Normandy’s mainframe. I don’t want to explain to the Illusive Man why we have topped our memory storage capacity with vorcha porn.”

He scrunched his nose in disgust. “Ewww Commander, that’s nasty.” 

“If you are tired of damaging our boss’ property, maybe we can watch a movie or something,” she said examining her hand, suddenly very interested in her fingernails.

“Eh-, sure Commander.” He seemed taken aback by the proposal and she fully perceived his hesitation.

“I mean I just got  _ Blasto the Jellyfish _ something and Garrus told me you are a fan,” she added shrugging, “but, if you don’t want-“

“No, no, I love Blasto,” he said with a cryptic expression. “Sure, I’ll be in your cabin at the end of my shift.”

“ ‘aight, see you there.”

_ Was it really happening?! _

//

As soon as she arrived to her cabin, she tried to organize her mess, thinking in all the possibilities the night could unleash. Kasumi had advised her to change into something more revealing, but Shepard didn’t think she could do it. At the end she decided for a white tee and shorts, the most “revealing” outfit in her wardrobe.

Just before 20:00 she heard a soft knock on her door. Her heart pounded fast and heavy in her chest and her palms were slick from the sweat. The vid was set and she had brought drinks from the mess.

Giving one last look to her cabin she headed to the door.

“Hey Commander,” Joker greeted her still in his Cerberus uniform, “had to bring popcorn. It’s not a movie without it.” He gave her a bucket filled with the snack and walked appraising her room. “Fancy, fancy Commander, look at that full size bed!” He said patting the mattress. “Y’know? if I don’t sleep on my side, I'd fell off my bunk”.

“You are way too dramatic,” and in a moment of inspiration she added, “we can sit on the bed, it’ll be more comfortable for you.” She grabbed the popcorn, kneeling on the bed and scooted towards the headboard.

“Ahm, yeah, sure, that sounds like an idea.” He moved slowly to the other side, trying to set in a comfortable position.

“You can take your boots off,” she suggested, half expecting for him to decline.

“Woah Commander, I am not even five minutes in your bedroom and you want to undress me already?” 

“Ugh. You wish flyboy. Whatever helps you sleep at night.” 

With one hand she set the popcorn between them, while the other grabbed the control of the vid. She noticed Joker was actually taking off his boots, and a warm feeling spread in her gut. She was painfully conscious of his proximity, seeing his golden arm hairs shine on his skin and breathing in his aftershave.

She played the movie, stretching her legs on the mattress, trying for all means to concentrate in the big jellyfish on screen. Her stomach churned nervously.

“Have you seen the previous ones Shepard?” Joker asked interested, placing his legs gently on the bed.

“Hmm, nope,” she replied grabbing popcorn.

“You are gonna love it really.”

The movie was halfway through and she had enjoyed being able to touch him by accident when both their hands coincided in the popcorn bucket. She knew it was silly and a little pathetic but it meant the world to her.  She wanted to do more, but Joker was completely mesmerized by the screen, laughing and yelling at the hanar spectre as if he were talking to a friend.

She placed her hand on the mattress while evaluating the situation as if it was a battlefield. Sadly, things weren’t that easy in here. In that moment she felt Joker’s touch against the back of her hand and a lighting bolt rocked her through the core, but as soon as he made contact he instantly pulled away.

“Can you believe it Commander? That giant piece of jelly gets the Council’s attention quicker than you. Maybe you should recruit him,” he said completely inadvertent of his effect on her.

“Yeah, maybe.” She frowned, still shocked by his closeness and the sad of the implications of his reaction.

When the movie ended he slowly tied his boots while commenting random facts about if it would be possible for a hanar to have a “lover at every port”, and what the implications of that could be.

“Thanks Shepard, it was a good change,” he said walking towards the door. “See ya around,” and without another word he left leaving a very frustrated Commander.


	4. Sweet talking

The next morning Jess had to face a very curious Kasumi in the mess.

“So? How did you sleep? Is the Commander more relaxed?” She asked with a raspy voice and giving her a complicit gaze.

“I slept just fine, thank you. Completely alone in, as Jeff stated, my full size bed,” Shepard said, with her chin high and her answer filled with dignity, “and that was the closest we were of talking about bed stuff,” she sighed. “Kasumi nothing happened!” She said grabbing the thief by the arms.

“What? But did you revealed enough?” Kasumi asked in disbelief.

“It’s not a matter of revealing. I think he just sees me as a friend.” She didn’t want to think of how bad that word felt in the sentence she just pronounced.

“Nonsenses. You are gorgeous Shepard and any man would kill to be with you.” 

“Thank you Kas. You are my friend and I appreciate it, but Joker is not any man. He is totally devoted to fly and the Normandy is his everything.” 

“Have you tried to talk to him? Like knowing something more about his love life or something?” Kasumi asked, preparing herself a cup of coffee. She loved Shepard and it hurt her seeing her so defeated.

“Ehhhm.. Nope. He’s not into sharing y’know?” answered Jess, while playing distractedly with her boots, eyes fixed on the floor.

“Well, try to elicit that conversation. Maybe you can learn something or at least peek in his preferences?” the thief suggested lacing her fingers around her cup.

“Yeah, well, I’ll try. I don’t have many hopes though”

//

As they were talking they saw Joker hobbling, entering the mess. Kasumi winked at Shepard and stood up heading to where Jacob was sitting.

“Hey Joker!” Shepard called, “how’s everything?”

She knew it wasn’t her best line, not even funny or interesting but she had to get his attention. Joker waved at her and after preparing himself a cup of coffee, went to where she was sitting. 

“Hey Commander, fun night yesterday,” he said resting his arms on the table.

From there, she could appreciate how broad his shoulders were, how his eyes resembled the color of spring grass, and scent the fragrance of his cologne. He was saying something about EDI, and Shepard decided she had to pay attention.  _ Focus, woman! _

“Commander, seriously, asking permission to buy a soldering gun. Argh! It’s like ship cancer!”

“Hey, no sabotage!” she said coming to her senses and chuckling at his comment. 

“You spoil the fun.” 

“Aren’t you on shift?”

“Nah. Replacement pilot is running the show right now, of course I have my eyes on him in case he screws with my baby” he leaned on his chair, resting his back.

“You really love the Normandy that much don’t you tech perv?” she asked catching a glimpse of the possibility of directing the conversation to where she wanted.

“Haha it’s not like you think Commander. Yeah, it’s my baby but I’m not into weird shit. How would you call it, technophilia? No, thanks. I prefer flesh.”

“Doesn’t seem you get too much of it,” Shepard said raising a judgmental brow. “You never leave the cockpit, not even in shore leave--”

“Yeah well, mobility it’s not my strong suit,” he said taking his cap off and running his fingers, disheveling his hair. “But don’t get me wrong. I get what I want nonetheless...” An impish grin appeared on his face.

“Oh, Joker, please don’t tell me you are bringing hookers to the Normandy,” she said while a vacuum started forming in her stomach, threatening to swallow her heart.

“Wha- no, Shepard! Haha, I’m not that desperate, it was just a way of speaking,” he said chuckling.

“I see...” She wasn’t sure Joker was being honest in his statement and that was killing her. She continued, regardless. “Maybe next time we are on shore leave I’ll drag your ass for a drink,” she said very conscious of not making sound her invitation as a date.

“Ahm, sure Commander,” he replied putting his cap on. “Trying to get your pilot drunk to ravish him huh?” He added with an evil half smile.

_ If you knew half of it… _

“Maybe if you’re lucky,” he heard herself saying, trying to disguise her nervousness with a confidence she knew she was far to feel.

“You crack me up Commander,” he said laughing. “Nice talking to you ma’am.” And touching the bill of his cap with a finger he left the mess. 


	5. Is this the cockpit?

Days passed while Shepard still pondered the last conversation she had with Joker, and she couldn’t decide if it made her happy or sad.

They had made plans for drinks on a future shore leave, ‘ _ yeah, well, maybe I said something about dragging his ass,’ _ but it was the goodbye what bothered her. Yes, it had been a joke from his part followed by a snarky comment from her, but even if she would’ve been just messing with him, he had been very clear laughing at the thought of it.

Her head hurt, but she knew she wouldn’t give up, she couldn’t give up. She’d try her best to make him want her. Maybe she was making this more complicated than it should be and all she had to do was go there and kiss him senseless… The mere thought made her laugh while spasms shook her entire body.  _ Yeah, right _ . She wasn’t able to even touch him… the other thing was out of the question.  

As she walked down the bridge to where he was, weird sounds started to alarm her. But once she fully registered the source of them, all the blood in her body decided it was time to visit her cheeks.

“Uh, sorry. That was supposed to go to my earpiece,” Joker said abashed, gazing at her.

She had caught him watching porn. The asaris in the video seemed very enthusiastic. Shepard wasn’t a prude, in fact she had had her dose of naughtiness when she was younger but this situation was entirely different.

“I know why they call it the cockpit now…,” she said out loud without thinking, gawking at the vid screen, incapable of moving her eyes away.

“And you know what pisses me off? Calling this the cockpit. Alliance ships have bridges. Asari ships have cockpits. Oh wait. No they don’t.” He chucked, back into his fool self.

“How do you know?”

“Oh, c’mon Commander, aren’t you looking at it?” 

“You really are shameless mister, behaving like that in front of your CO.” She crossed her arms over her chest, faking being mad at him.

“Respectfully ma’am, stop being such a killjoy.” 

Standing there watching porn next to the person she desired so bad, seemed like an opportunity she couldn’t let pass. If that wasn’t sexy, she didn’t know what was, and perhaps the situation could produce other “effects”.

“ ‘aight. Let’s see what all the fuss is about,” she added sitting next to him

“Wha-“ he said dazed by the idea, but perking up in a second he added, “Commander naughty pants you are, don’t you?”

They watched the flick while Joker commented on the faces the actors and actresses made, laughing at the feigned expressions of placer.

“That was…different,” she said once it ended, standing up slowly.

“Hey, you made me watch Blasto, and now I pay back the favor.” 

“But where is the popcorn, not a real movie without popcorn you said.”

“Right…, this is so the movie for that Shepard,” he replied smirking.

“Maybe next time?” 

“Hahaha, good one Commander,” he chuckled. “Glad to have entertained you for a while.”

And he turned around completely oblivious of the disappointment in her face.


	6. With the jazz trio

Kasumi’s face shifted between amusement, pain, shock and pure laughter while Jess described her everything that happened between her and that teaser they had as pilot. 

“Wow, Jess. Bold move, I give you that, and again nothing huh?” 

“Nope, nada, zero,” said Shepard with a dulled expression.

“I wonder…” Kasumi said stroking her chin and lips with her index, staring at the ceiling.

“What?” Jess huffed, completely jaded.

//

Shepard was a bit unsure about her next move. As she approached to the helmsman, who was completely imbibed in an argument with the IA, she felt a little ill. When she was starting to retreat, feeling her legs shaking, his voice stopped her in her tracks.

“Commander, can I get a mirror up here? You know, so I can see when someone is standing behind me?” He asked gyrating in his chair.

“Let me see what I can do ‘bout it” she replied.  _ What the hell, I’m here already. To the point. _

Passing by his side she sat at one of the panels that encased his terminal.

“Sorry to bother you Joker, but I have a knot in my back and it’s killing me. Today I almost couldn’t carry my Widow,” she stated as casually as possible, rubbing her back with her palm. “I know you have like tenure in physical therapy by now.”

For a few seconds he looked at her with a coy smirk hiding in the corner of his lips, but bounced back to his element before she could say anything.

“Sure, Commander.”

Jess sat on the floor at his feet, allowing him to help her without inconveniencing him. With one hand he moved her hair aside, focusing in the place she had signaled.

“Wow, Shepard, you need this more often. I can feel like tons of knots in your muscles,” he said while massaging her neck. “I know you carry heavy weights, but geez, I don’t think even Garrus is as tense as you.”

While his expert hands worked on her back, shoulders and neck she had to make a supreme effort not to moan and scare the shit out of him.

“Mmmhmm,” she mumbled completely lost in his touch.

“What? Oh yeah, I’ll gladly accept a raise, Commander, thank you.” 

“Talk to Miranda,” she replied muttering.

Without taking one hand off her back, he turned on some music in the terminal. Jazz of all things. For a moment Jess thought he had somewhat understood that Commander Shepard doesn’t ask random people to massage her for impervious reasons, but in that moment she froze.

“Ba da ba ba ba ba ba ba, dara daaa tu turu tutu, tss tt tss tt tss, ba da b aba, hangin’ in space with the jazz trio, tss tt tsss, now comin’ with the bass, bu du bu bu bum.”

Jess face palmed herself mentally, rolling her eyes so hard she was sure they were lost in her skull.

“A singer huh?” She asked annoyed

“What can I say? I’m a man of many talents.”

She wanted to stay but it was perfectly clear she wouldn’t get anything using that line of work, except to get aroused by his touch, and that was a little depressive.

“Hey, Joker, thanks. Feel much better now.” She stood up, trying to hide the mixed emotions she harbored.

“Anytime Commander,” he said smiling.

When she left he was already working.


	7. That's why I don't date crew

As the days passed she was finding increasingly difficult the task of getting Joker’s attention. Between missions and requests from her team, it was little the time she had to design off-field strategies.

She didn’t have to try so hard, when one night while sitting at the mess, Joker joined her with two cups of coffee in his hands.

“Enough bullfighting for the day Shepard,” he said presenting her the smoking mug

“Thanks.” 

She yawned and stretched her arms in front of her, trying to wash away the fatigue of her day.

“You look tired Commander, sure don’t need another massage?” He asked solicitously with a concerned look on his face.

_ Yes. _

“No, don’t worry Joker, I’m fine. It’s just that last mission, I’ve never seen so many husks gathered together. It was like a husk Christmas reunion with the ground team as presents.” She shivered remembering.

“Ugh, why is it always claw and guns? Why can’t we piss of a fuzzy planet? Still dangerous, but hey, bunnies.” 

“Or beaches, I wouldn’t complain if we land in a sandy beach, with cabanas and thessian temples, ya know…?” She said interlocking her fingers behind her head. She was too tired to try any moves on him that night.

“Hey, that’s a good sight,” he said closing his eyes, savoring at the rhythm of his vivid imagination

“Maybe then I could find someone who wants to buy me a drink,” she said absentmindedly, sighing before realizing what she just spilled out her mouth.  _ Crap. _

“Hey, what are friends for? I’ll buy you that drink Commander, and I’ll pay with Cerberus money, what’s better than that?”

_ Friends. Ouch. _

“That’s better than nothing,” she said slightly irritated. Even when she wasn’t trying to, she still failed.

“Yeah, I mean I’m not Kaidan, but I’ll have to do,” he said with a flat voice. “I mean did someone switch our files? He was front line with you against the Reapers and I’m the one who gets roped back in to save the galaxy?” 

“Things have changed. He moved on, I can’t blame him. Truth is, I did too,” she said sincerely.

“So much drama. There is a reason I don’t date crew Commander,” he replied shaking his head with an acid tone.

_ Aaaand, there it is. Thank you for playing at the Citadel Arena. _

“You better watch that mouth. One doesn’t plan these things,” she said laconically. She was tired of his pragmatic attitude, and pigheadedness, already at the verge of throwing the towel and maybe punch him once or twice. “I’ll go to my quarters. I can’t stay awake,” she lied.

And this time, she was the one who pulled away.


	8. A lost cause

Her next opportunity arose as an unwanted outcome of Samara’s mission. Truth was she still felt a bit annoyed at him;  _ how could he be so impervious at the things she was doing _ ? He had to see Commander Shepard wouldn’t bring coffee, sat to watch porn or ask for a massage to any random man of the crew. How could he be so oblivious?

When she left for the Afterlife in the dress she had worn once at Hock’s party, her head was still in chaos, and facing Samara’s daughter resulted challenging in ways she hadn’t imagined.

Once back on the Normandy she suffered the remnants of lust and depravity Morinth had placed in her soul. She wouldn’t admit it but at the breaking point it had taken all her sheer will to resist to the Ardat-Yakshi’s rapture, and she hadn’t result unaffected.

In a trance, she sauntered to the cockpit, meandering through the CIC, very aware of the little noises and aromas that filled the air. Her heels clattered down the bridge, echoing in the desert stations.

As she approached Joker, a haze invaded her mind. The pilot hadn’t noticed her, probably focused in his tasks, ears covered by headphones as was his habit during the night shift.

Once his chair was within her grasp she leaned forward pressing her breasts against his neck, startling him.

“Commander?” he asked in shock.

She remained silent, while her fingers traveled down his arm, brushing lightly his skin and she pressed her head to his ear, inebriated by his scent. What was happening to her?  She wanted to do this, but at the same time, it was completely out of her character.

With her other hand she caressed his beard, while under her touch, he lay stiff. She hadn’t drink a single drop of alcohol and yet she felt lightheaded as if she had inhaled dangerous fumes. Her lips rubbed his cheek, drawing close to his lips…

In that moment Joker grabbed her hand, moving her in front of him.

“Shepard!” he exclaimed grabbing her by the arms, squeezing them softly. His green eyes widely open in disbelief.

Slowly the fog in her mind started to fade, until she felt again like her old self. A growing embarrassment crept up her body, her cheeks bright red.

“Joker, I’m sorry…” she mumbled, unable to articulate any other word.

“The soul sucker right?” he asked, awareness filling his pupils. 

“Huh?” she didn’t fully understand his question, the shame still persisting in her gut.

“I heard the comms from the mission and I’m glad things worked out, really. I was worried you’d dump Samara for some crazy soul-sucker with a death fetish, all lithe and sexy and… never mind,” he said playfully, trying to lighten the ambiance, “but now that I saw what she did to you, that’s  _ wow _ , a powerful weapon in the wrong hands,” he added.

He hadn’t even flinched. She had put her entire body at his disposal and he hadn’t even flinched.

“Lucky for you, it was me y’know?“ he continued, as if he were looking deep into her thoughts, “imagine if it had been Kenneth in my place…”

_ Yep. The only man who doesn’t find me attractive in the entire ship. _

“You are such a great pal, Joker,” she said collecting herself and trying to run away as stately as she could.

This was definitely a lost cause.


	9. I do date crew

The next morning Jess awakened feeling like struck by a lightning, her spirit and brain crushed leaving only wisps of her previous self. Wanting to talk to someone she went to Port Observation only to find Kasumi absorbed in Keiji’s grey box.

Hearing her enter, the thief put aside the precious device, wiping a solitary tear from her cheek.

“I’m sorry Kasumi, I should’ve knocked” Jess apologized

“No, Shep, it’s ok. I’m fine” she said giving her a warm smile, her eyes bright under her hood.

“How does it feel to know he loved you to the point of make you the trustee of all his memories, of his soul?” Shepard asked sitting on the couch.

Kasumi’s lips curved slightly upwards, facing the vacuum of space.

“It’s a powerful thing, Shep. Love is.” She stated simply. Letting out a sigh she spun, sitting in front of Jess, “You don’t have to tell me what happened. I can see it in your face. Things are not going as planned huh?”

“No” Shepard said burying her face in her hands.

“You know what? I was wrong. You deserve better” Kasumi told her adamantly and without saying more she started typing on her omnitool.

“What are you doing?” Shepard asked barely lifting her head

“You are going on a date missy” Kasumi said “Today.”

“What?” Shepard laughed at the top of her lungs and then her expression changed to a terrified one “Please, tell me is not Joker you are writing to”

“Of course not! He had his chance. I’m talking with Garrus” she stated calmly

“Kasumi stop!” Shepard yelled “What are you saying to him?!”

“A moment Jess please” she replied while typing “Ok. Afterlife. Today at 20:00 at the Mess”

“What?! Kasumi!” Jess shouted exasperated

“Honey, there is no better way to wash away the sorrows of the heart than to replace one with another” the thief noted as an expert “And, I have the perfect dress for you, my dear. You can’t say no, Garrus already accepted”

“But, Garrus is my friend…” Jess said timidly “I can’-“

“You can and you will, and stop this, you know you can’t win” Kasumi said grinning, placing her hand on her hip, and giving her an appreciative look.

//

Joker sat at the cockpit taking little sips from his water bottle. He had awakened half hour late, having spent a restless night. Vivid images of Shepard’s sweaty slick naked body writhing and moaning under him hadn’t left his mind after their last night encounter. He could still hear her cries and gasps, calling his name in ecstasy, filling uncomfortably his breeches.  

He wasn’t still quite sure how he had been able to resist and reject her feverish advances. When he had pulled her to face her, there had been only one thing resonating in his mind. Unbridled desire. But once that he had delved into her crystalline blue orbs, he had realized the truth and there was one thing he knew for sure: there was no way in hell he could take advantage of her, of his Commander, his friend, the woman he loved.

The little attentions she had shown to him over the past weeks, flattered him. But he wasn’t a fool, he had been there for her since the beginning and he knew she considered him a friend. It cost him a thumping amount of volition carry himself properly around her, always self-conscious of the unstoppable babble he spitted when she was close. It was the only way to keep himself in check.

That damned Blasto movie had demanded the utmost resistance of every fiber of his being. He had slogged from the moment he entered her cabin. Her luscious almond curls cascading over her shoulders and her long, toned, smooth legs had him enthralled; and when they had sat next to each other on her bed, Joker had to furiously command himself to pay attention to the vid-screen.

Later, it had been excruciatingly hard to give her that massage without indulging in the pleasantness of her soft body, and she almost carried him at the edge of sanity when she decided to watch the Azure vid with him. He couldn’t stop gibbering throughout the entire movie, decided to not let his brain focus on her bewitching presence. The memories of her honeysuckle fragrance befuddled him still, triggering the haunting sensations of her touch on his skin.

_Get ahold of yourself, it can’t never be!_

Shepard, wouldn’t look at him like that; he didn’t even had a ghost of a chance. In that moment a knock on the cabin’s door broke the spell.

“Joker, can we talk?” Kasumi said poking her head through the entrance.


	10. Did the cat got your tongue?

Kasumi was vexed. It had been cute at the beginning but it was already starting to exasperate her. After the initial attempts from Shepard’s part she had assumed the task of examining Joker’s afterthoughts. Cloaking, she had inspect his reactions after the Commander had left and that was how she knew that his nonchalant attitude was nothing but a façade.    

She had witnessed his dispirited bearing once he was alone, his downhearted expression every time Shepard left his side. And she had to put an end to it.

“Sure, what can I do for you, sexy thief?” he asked continuing his masquerade

“Cut the crap Joker. I know everything” she said, short-fused already.

“My, my, did Jaco-“

“Since when do you love Shepard?” she lashed out evading his swagger.

The bluntness of the attack made the blood flood abruptly to Joker’s face, who was completely dumbfounded by Kasumi’s question.

“Did the cat get your tongue Mr. Helmsman?” she said sitting in front of him

“What are you talking about?” Joker managed to stutter.

“C’mon you don’t have to lie to me. Cloaking you see? Very effective," she said enabling the mechanism in her suit.

“Were you spying on me?! What kind of sick shit is this? Voyeur much? Is Jacob not enough?!” he bit back, yelling at the air around him.

“Relax, Joker," she said appearing before him. "Since when do you love Shepard?”

“That’s none of your business," he said turning to face the controls, without contradicting her statement, “Now, leave” he blustered.

“Why do you shun her so bad?” she asked softly. "I don’t know what on earth you did to deserve her, but she loves you, you asswipe."

“No, she doesn’t. She loves Kaidan, and don’t talk about things you don’t know” he replied with a grim expression.

“No, she doesn’t." She sighed. She didn’t want to break Shepard’s trust telling him what she knew, but she had to try her best. “I watched you that’s right, but I also observed her and I can assure you, you are wrong."

“Do you expect me to believe you entirely and just go and throw myself into Shepard’s arms?” he yelled back. She had no right to tell him that, to lit false hopes in his heart. He was Shepard’s friend, if she were interested in him, he would have found out by now.

“Maybe, yes." she said.

“Hahahaha, you are out of your freaking mind,” he said almost snorting.

“Don’t be such a jerk you ass and listen to me. I know for a fact that she loves you and I’m never wrong.” she said with mischievous grin.

For a moment he didn’t stir. Looking intently at Kasumi, reflecting in what she had told him.

“Even if what you say is true, and I’m not saying I believe you," he said drawling, “I’d never do that, and you know why? Because she deserves someone better than me, better than a cripple bitter ill-tempered pilot," he ended shouting, irked beyond limits.

“I’d agree with you, but that is her choice, not yours” Kasumi replied, relentless. "Are you willing to let her go, despite what I’ve told you? Are you willing to watch her settle with another man?”

“It’s what I’ve been doing since I met her," he said with a gloomy expression. “Or do you think I felt nothing while she and Kaidan canoodled around the SR-1?”

“That was the past, in another life Joker. This is the present we are talking about!” Kasumi couldn’t believe the man. Sensing that her efforts were futile, she stood up “She loves you Joker. For your own good, step up”

_God knows you brought this upon yourself Joker._

She had to set in motion the Plan B.


	11. Plan B

Kasumi found herself very busy as the day passed, too slowly for her liking. At some point she dropped by Shepard’s quarters.

“So, you are ready for tonight?” she asked

“Kasumi, what am I doing? This is not going to solve anything” Jess said, sighing.

“Perhaps not, but at least you’ll have a good time with Garrus, he’s such a sweetheart” she said walking towards Jess’ bed and sitting in lotus pose.

“And what is this… this dress you got me, because-” Shepard gulped audibly

“Are you kidding? It’s gorgeous and terribly sexy” Kasumi said with her hoarse voice

Jess approached the couch where Kasumi had placed said garment. It was a silver metallic strapless mini dress. Shepard estimated that the hem was only a few inches below her butt.

“Do I have to use this, really?” Shepard asked with pleading eyes

“Jess, you are my friend and I care about you. Do you trust me?” Kasumi asked

“Yes”

“Then trust me in this. You are not doing this for Garrus, you are doing this for yourself, to feel different for a day” the thief said extending her hands to grab Shepard’s “And there is just another teeny tiny little thing you have to do for me…” she said smiling slyly

//

Aside from Kasumi’s little rampage, his day had been beyond dull. He had waited for one of Shepard’s visits, but it never came. Kasumi had to be wrong, it was impossible than she… no, no. He let himself wallow in the idea of _Jess_ loving him, feeling her warm curvy body pressed against his like that glorious night she almost was his, her soft lips wandering on his face, while his hands would caress every inch of her womanhood…

“Joker?”

_Crap._

“What Hadley?” he bawled out, trying to accommodate his hard cock in his trousers.

“Matthews and I need you to explain us how to adjust the retrofits on the drive core. Your shift is over so…” the young man said “Sorry, did I interrupt something…”

_You think?!_

“Nah, man. It’s ‘aight” he said regaining his composure “it’s better this way…” he said in a whisper, exhaling his disappointment.

“What?”

“Retrofits are always a pain in the ass!” he said raising his voice

“Ok, thanks man. It’s been bugging us since that last upgrade” Hadley said walking alongside Joker

“Sure, no problem” Joker said. Focusing on work even after hours was way better than to daydream about Shepard. That was just pure torture.

“We just have to go to the Mess Hall first before go to engineering, Matthews is there” Hadley said pressing the button.

“Yeah, whatever”

When the doors opened at the Mess Hall, Matthews was there talking with a very well dressed Garrus.

“Hey big guy, looking sharp” said Joker approaching to him “Date night?”

Garrus chuckled adjusting his blazer

“Finally Tali agreed to give a chance to that ugly face of yours?” asked Joker

“Well, not exactly…”

“Wow… Look at that!” exclaimed Hadley nodding at them

In that same moment Joker’s peripheral vision caught a sparkle making him turn around.


	12. Thundrestruck

His jaw dropped, completely thunderstruck for the vision. Jess stood there, wearing something that sent a shiver down his spine, and ignited his lust.

“Is that the Commander?” was saying Matthews, completely astounded

Joker’s eyes wandered round her body, wowed by her long, thick, toned legs, adorned by tiny scars of past battles. He could almost see the curve that hinted her round, perfect ass beneath the hem and her heavy breasts that held that brief dress in place. Her skin glistened under the lights while her long cinnamon curls draped over her back; her sapphire eyes shining under her shadow. She looked like a sin in human flesh. Joker’s trousers start to constrain him at her mere sight, when in that moment Garrus’ voice took his breath away.

“Are you ready?” he asked Jess, offering her his arm

 _What?!  Was she going out with Garrus?! Dressed like that?! Oh, hell naw!_ In that moment he realized his earliest bravado about letting her go and be with someone else was pure bullshit. If there was even a single small chance, he’d seize it, for once in his life he had to end the pity party and fight.

“Commander, can we talk? In private?” he asked in a clear voice jumping to the void

She hesitated, looking at Garrus who had his talon placed at the small of her back. For a moment Joker felt he could kill the turian; if he kept touching her he was about to go berserk.

“It’s fine Shepard, I can wait” said Garrus letting her go.

“Sure, Joker” she said with a puzzled look, walking in front of him towards the elevator. He hobbled behind her, ravishing her with his yes, gloating over her body and the bouncing of her ass as she walked.

When the elevator’s door opened, they both got in there.

//

“You can stop hiding” Garrus said in a melodic tune

“Ugh, thankfully. My batteries were about to die” said Kasumi appearing next to him “So? how did it go?” she asked to the men around her

“I did what you told me to” said Hadley still shocked by the sight of Shepard. Matthews only nodded.

“And here I am, dress to kill? Is that the expression?” asked Garrus

“Yeah, yeah I see”  the thief said “and? What happened? I couldn’t hear the entire thing” she asked with angst in her voice

“What you thought. He grew some balls, finally” said Garrus

“I knew Joker only needed a little push. There is no better aphrodisiac for love than jealousy” she stated as a remarked expert

“And who better for the task than a handsome turian” chuckled Garrus

“Yeah, yeah, stud, watch your big head” she said grinning “Well, the ball is set in motion. We can’t do more” she muttered to herself, “Anyone up for a drink?”

The three of them followed her into Port Observation. 


	13. Giving in

Once the elevator door closed behind them, Shepard faced him as the entire situation gained reality.

“So, what is troubling you?” she asked with real concern, pressing the button of her cabin.

In that moment he realized how strong his longing for her was, and how seeing her in the arms of another man had almost drove him up the wall. He loved her endlessly, he had fallen deeply for her, and he wasn’t afraid anymore.

Her crimson full lips, slightly parted as she awaited his response and her honeysuckle fragrance wafting in the air, had him transfixed, his blood thudding in his veins. Staggering forward, in a febrile state, he pressed himself against her, any doubt long gone. Caught by surprise Shepard moved back a couple paces until she hit the elevator wall.

“Joker, wh-“

Leaning on one arm against the wall, his mouth descended over hers, claiming her breath desperately. His other hand trailed down her back sitting at the small of her back, pulling her closer to him. His tongue parted her lips, intruding in her mouth, savoring her sweet vanilla flavor while sucking her bottom lip biting her ever so slightly. She rewarded him with a little moan, while her hands rested on his shoulders, her tongue already dancing with his. His brain screamed in pleasure and desire, dazed for his boldness.

In that moment the elevator opened at Shepard’s quarters and she broke the kiss, making him groan of frustration.

“Why are you doing this?” she asked panting, before he had time to move “It’s just because you want to fuck me?” she said with a low voice and downcast eyes

“What? No!” he yelled passionately, as she moved to her cabin door.

“Then why? You have ignored me for the longest time, and now this? What am I supposed to think?” she asked, sadness writ plain on her face.

She looked so beautiful, a tinged of pink flushing her cheeks against her light saffron skin, that he felt magnetized.

Waddling towards her, completely intoxicated for the previous kiss, he claimed her mouth again unable to stop or think.

Her lips felt damp and swollen against his, while his hand pressed the lock of her door pulling her in, holding her by the waist.

She was like putty in his arms, completely under his power, not showing any resistance to his advances.

Without releasing her mouth he moved her against the fish tank, frantically trying to feel her entirely. He knew she was waiting for an answer, for an explanation for his demented behavior, but the feeling of her voluptuous body under his hands and her scent filling his nostrils blinded his reactions.

He wanted to talk, to tell her everything, but the animalistic desire he had held inside for so long was taking the better of him. Suddenly he felt her move furiously pushing him away with determination.

“Joker, please, leave” she said, while tears seeped from her eyes, tears he hadn’t noticed in his delirious state.

This was the moment. He could leave or step up. _Step up!_ Kasumi’s words resonated in his brain. She deserved to know.  

Cupping her face, he wiped her tears with his thumbs and kissed her gently, tenderly, closing his eyes.

“I can’t do that Shepard” he found himself saying, pressing his forehead against hers “I won’t do that because… I love you _commander_ ”

She stared into his eyes, surprise filling her ocean blues. He had bet everything in this play and waited impatient for the result. Unexpectedly her small hands started caressing his neck and she whispered a heated “ _I love you Jeff”_ against his mouth.

Hearing his name at the end of that sentence brought down his last barriers.    


	14. Lost and found

He pressed his lips against hers, in a stifling kiss, while his hands started surveying the smooth surface beneath her hem. She opened her mouth, tilting her head back, offering her neck to him. Enraptured by the close sight of her soft glimmering skin, he nibbled her collarbone, until he finally reached the shell of her ear, licking it, sensing threads of her chocolate hair tangling with his tongue.

Her gasps and whimpers had him already hard and throbbing underneath his trousers, and he sensed with delight that her avid hands were already peeling his shirt off, giving him an unwanted break of the touch of her skin.

Once freed, he resumed his forays nipping her neck and touching her beneath her dress, but when his hands reached her hips, he froze.   

“Are… are you going commando?” he mumbled, more aroused if possible, but an awful idea started to form in his head “Were you going out with Garrus…like this?” he growled with anger against her neck, pinching possessively her flesh “Why _Jess_ , answer me!” he said barely containing his rage.

“No Jeff, I mean” she gasped between words, struggling to talk “no; Kasumi asked me to…”

His mind was a whirlwind of thoughts. Why Kasumi would ask-

“Were you the one who asked him out?” he asked with faux calm, trying to repress his fury.

 “No, ah-“ she whimpered; he still gripped her hips breathing in her neck “she did. I just played along, because…” she faltered “because I thought you didn’t care about me”

He was starting to see the whole picture. The crafty thief had played matchmaker, leaving them both in the dark. He laughed, his anger fading in the touch of her skin. He would explain everything to her later.

“You are mine, Shepard” he said with a low, hoarse voice against her ear, undertones filled with possessiveness. Held tight in his arms, he felt her shudder.

He attacked her body with renewed force, crushing her lips with his and lifting the hem of her dress up to her waist, completely exposing her nether parts. One of his hands followed the curve of her ass, squeezing it softly, while the other one traveled to her chest, pulling the strapless dress down. His eyes feasted at the sight of her round full breasts. Breaking his fevered kisses, he directed his mouth to one of her nipples, sucking it, while his nimble fingers twisted and pinched the other. He couldn’t believe that it was him the one coaxing those indecent sounds out of her, desire and need warring in his head.

He felt how her agile hands undid his restrains, unbuckling his belt and unzipping his pants, setting his aching shaft free. He saw her licking her palm and a groan escaped his throat when he felt the moist of her saliva smeared along his dick by her gentle strokes.

 “Shepard, ah-“ he exclaimed, while his brain tried to react to the overload of his senses, wrapping around the idea of finally having her.

Directing his hand to her entrance, he was amazed at her wetness, her curls already soaked with her juices in anticipation.

 

He slid two fingers inside her, pumping into her, feeling his throat tighten and pressure start building in his stomach. The sensation of her walls clenching around him, while her hand jerked him off and his mouth devoured her breasts, were too much. All he wanted was to be inside her, possess her entirely.  

“Jeff, god!” she shouted in that moment, stroking him harder, while her other hand wove through his hair, pressing it against her sensible nipples.

He sensed he couldn’t last long if she kept writhing, whimpering and working him like that. It still felt like a dream, every single movement or sound she made turning him on beyond his wildest expectations.

“Shepard, wait” he pleaded “want you too much for this to end too soon”

With a seductive smile, she pushed him softly and discarded her dress, standing in front of him, completely naked wearing only her silver plumps. His lips felt dry as his eyes raked over her luscious body, blazing need burning him inside. His head spun violently as she walked to the bed, kneeling on it and bending over, teasing him offering the view of her perfect ass. This had to be a dream.  

“Are you finally taking the hint, Joker?” she asked in a dreamy and husky voice.

_Oh, he was getting the hint, alright._

He lunged over her, and flipping her over he caught her lips in a feeved kiss. Pulling his pants off completely he exulted in the sensation of her soft smooth skin brushing against his, the plumpness of her breasts pressing against his chest. All the foreplay had pushed him at the edge of his control, and breathing hard he directed his cock at her sex, already melted in a heat pool, parting her folds with his tip. He barely held himself back to plunge into her like a maniac, all of her eliciting turbulence in his body. Slowly, he thrust into her relishing in the sensation of her heat enveloping him. He pulled back, but Shepard stopped him in his tracks.

“Stop with the teasing Jeff, plea-“

Before she could end her sentence he rammed into her, going mad at the sensations of her rippling muscles caressing his shaft, feeling her arching her back and hearing her whimper under his attack. She felt so wet, so good and tight, he immediately felt deliciously clamped on. He gave her a minute to accommodate his girth before pumping into her with a steady pace. She was yelling, cursing, calling out his name, but he tried to focus in something else, coating his unbearable need to let go, his eyes shut tight in pleasure. He couldn’t finish so soon.  He felt her hips buckle around his waist, giving him an incredibly open angle to keep slamming into her. Shepard was completely gone, rocking her hips in an ecstatic frenzy, scratching his back, raking his collarbone with her teeth. She was going to leave marks on him and he loved it.

The tingling sensation of his orgasm building up in his groin alarmed him. _Shit, no!_ He had to stop thinking in how good it felt, how beautiful she looked trembling beneath him, how exhilarated he felt knowing she loved him, how powerful he felt knowing it was him giving her all that pleasure, knowing he was claiming every inch of Commander Shepard’s body…

_Fuck, no!_

His toes curled in anguish, directing his thumb to her clit, rubbing it in circular motions, trying to extract a spike of pleasure out of her, before…

She was crying and making mewling whimpers, that weren’t helping at all.

“Shepard, please!” he screamed, voicing his plea. She was having none of it.

He kept pounding hard, steady, playing with her bead, and sucking the sweaty skin of her neck, trying to hold back. _C’mon Joker, fuck, shit!_ , he tried to encourage himself.

In a moment he felt her thighs start quivering, trembling, and her legs fell to his sides, freeing his body, while her depths tightened its grip on him, making her emit a loud cry, the unequivocal sign he was expecting. Burying his face in the crook of her neck, scenting her fragrance and touching her flesh, he gave away to the waves of voracious pleasure she was giving him, spilling his white heath deep inside her, the hot streams of cum filling her entirely, while a feral grunt left his throat unbidden.   

He lay on top of her completely spent, while she panted heavily, both of them completely numbed to react to anything else. He rolled to her side, avoiding crushing her, trying to gain enough sense to say something. She beat him to it.

“So…” she sounded hesitant

“I still love you Shepard” he said, bluntly. The time of silence had passed and she deserved to hear it every day.

She rolled facing him and smiled.

“I love you Jeff” she said caressing his beard and kissing him softly.

She was so beautiful, and she was his. _His._

“So, do you want to eat something?” he asked running his fingers through her disheveled mane.

“A hamburger. Not vat-grown. An honest-to-god dead cow. With horseradish?” she said, closing her eyes, trying to remember.

 “You remember, awww” he chuckled against her lips.

“Well, I do not know about you, but I still have I date with Garrus…” she said rolling her eyes.

He was having none of it.


End file.
